


And I’d always walk one step behind

by amelioratedays



Category: Monsta X
Genre: M/M, No.mercy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 03:58:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3795874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amelioratedays/pseuds/amelioratedays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hyunwoo wonder’s if it’s worth striving for his dreams at the expense of Hoseok’s.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I’d always walk one step behind

**Author's Note:**

> Completely plotless but I’m just not over my headcanon where Hyunwoo would give up everything for Wonho to debut.

“This is my last chance,” Hyunwoo mutters, reaching out in the darkness to find Hoseok’s hand. （‘My’ he says, though he really means ‘Your’) “I can’t fail, you can’t either.” He vows, voice stern and determined. He’s already detoured for too long, going off track for such a long time that he can no longer afford delaying his steps. But he knows that Hoseok can’t delay his steps either, where he finds the younger male scrapping to send money home. (Where he finds him one too many times, alone in the vocal studio, heaving his soul out in tears and incoherent cries.) He finally finds Hoseok’s hand, interlocking their fingers as he pulls them closer.

 

“We’re only 24,” the younger male tells him, as if to console him that youth was the age of recklessness (of trial and error). Hyunwoo shakes his head, even though he knows it’s too dark for Hoseok to see him. “We’re _already_ 24\. Age only eats us up and decomposes us in this industry.” He mutters. And it’s true, because they’re in a world where fatigue and pressure ages people exponentially. They’re only 24 yet the world looks upon them as if they were 30. The industry is always in a season of harvest, where ripe fruits are always abundant and those that wither can simply be replaced. And sometimes, they’re not even withering–they’re simply bruised on one side, dented on another. “Defective,” they’d mark down as they move on to the next.

 

He knows that he should be like this–so bitter over things he couldn’t change. But he can’t help but be so, especially after his initial failure. The wounds still haven’t healed, occasionally reopening and he wakes up in the middle of the night to see blood staining his blankets and soul. He knows what it’s like to be let down once, finding himself on the road with no destination to go to. And the amount of lost he had felt then is something he doesn’t want Hoseok to know ever. It’s then that he works his way out to the common area, settling himself on the couch to ponder about his life and his decisions.

 

It’s always Hoseok who finds him in this state, takes his blood-stained hands into his own–sitting by his side, palms caressing one another. Tonight wasn’t any different, and Hyunwoo lets Hoseok tilt his head onto the younger male’s shoulder. “And I call myself the leader.” He scoffs, a familiar stinging lacing the brim of his eyes. His voice is soft, breaking off into minute volumes as he finally lets his thoughts out. “I wanted the team to do well, I really did. But I can’t help but think that they are also people who are also fighting for what I (we) want.” His mind runs faster than his words, and he almost chokes over unsaid words. “I don’t want to see any of them leave, especially how we’ve all worked so hard. But I can’t help but be relieved that at the end of the day, I’m not the one leaving. _We_ aren’t the ones leaving.”

 

“Why am I so selfish, Hoseok-ah?” He asks, voice cracking at the end of his question. Hyunwoo hasn’t felt this useless in a while, where he’s trying to pay for Hoseok’s dreams at the expense of others. He wonders if this really is the life he wants to live, whether the guilt will go on with him to his deathbed.

 

“We all are.” is Hoseok’s only reply, releasing Hyunwoo’s hand as he stares into the emptiness of the dorm room. And it’s the truth, because he finds that every time they’re crying over someone’s loss, they’d find themselves walking on the next day. No one really looks back, no one really wants to look back to find their old members (friends) stuck at the starting line. He turns his head to the direction of the older male, eyes adapting to the dark to the extent that he can faintly pick out the soft contours of Hyunwoo’s face. “We all think for ourselves first, it’s our lives after all.”

 

He doesn’t say that they both know Hyunwoo _never_ thinks for himself first.

 

Hyunwoo sighs, burying his face into his hands, “I just don’t want there ever be a day where I’m living with your dream under the sole of my foot.” He wonders if his priorities have been skewed, where it has morphed from _they_ have to debut into _Hoseok_ has to debut. One year and three months is all it took for him to revolve his life around Shin Hoseok, and he finds that he doesn’t want to change that at all. The tears don’t fall and he blinks them back by force. “You’re so confident,” Hoseok muses, moving closer to the other male so that he can see the glint in his eyes more clearly. “But…” he continues, “…what if it was the opposite? What would you do then?” It isn’t much more of a question than it was a statement, where they both know the answer. Hyunwoo doesn’t necessarily have to voice it for them to know what he was going (or not going) to say.  
  


 

  
  
  
_“I’d give my world to you, Shin Hoseok.” Hyunwoo whispers, warm breath spreading gently over Hoseok’s lips.  
_

 

  
  
  
“You want to be selfish, but you aren’t.” Hyunwoo starts to retort, only to be cut off when Hoseok continues to talk. “Else your conscience wouldn’t hit you in such ways. You wouldn’t run away every time the younger ones come to console you. You wouldn’t be withering over the thought of failing others.” He smiles, eyes downcast as he places his hand into Hyunwoo’s once again. “The selfish one is me. I want to succeed–I have to succeed. I single-mindedly walked onto this one-way road, and I can only continue until I collapse in the middle or walk to its end.” He tugs on Hyunwoo’s hand, grazing his fingertips over the other’s callouses. “You don’t have to think about me–don’t live my life for me, Son Hyunwoo.”

 

“Fate talks to us in strange ways, and perhaps we’ll only know if the red string of fate we hold is real when times comes.” The dorm is stark silent, and all that Hyunwoo hears is the soft whisper of Hoseok’s voice.

 

“I don’t need you to give me your dreams. I just need my own.”

 

 

 

  
  


 

([x](http://incessantcomposition.tumblr.com/post/115465275133))

**Author's Note:**

> God save me from my silent boyfriend headcanons and give me their ship name.


End file.
